It has been said that the hummingbird is the symbol for accomplishing "that which seems impossible." It is tiny and beautiful. They don't flap their wings up and down but flow them in a figure "8", the symbol of infinity. This is the first time they have come to my feeder. I know why.
This story starts the beginning of last November. My dog Boomie was sitting on the couch in such a way that I thought I saw a lump on his left front leg, just above his wrist. I knelt down to get a better look and feel and indeed it was there, small, hard and ominous, it screamed "Bone Cancer." To make a long story short, it was confirmed the next day that he had 4-6 months to live. This dog was the canine "Love of my Life," and he was leaving me.
I work with dogs with exactly this situation. It is the hardest job I'll ever love, but nothing prepares you for it happening in your own life. I vowed to him that he would not suffer and I would do everything in my power to keep him comfortable and when the time came I would provide the easiest passing possible.
For 5 months I watched his territory become smaller and the tumor and drug doses become larger. He died in my arms in the middle of March, leaving a hole the size of the Grand Canyon in my chest.
I knew it would take some time to heal from this so I tried to look forward to my boyfriend "C", coming to visit at the end of May. We had decided to start a life together and were going to look for an area that would suit us both. I booked a beautiful Bed and Breakfast in the Elmira as that was where we were going to start our search. I busied myself with preparation for our reunion and trying to be at peace with Boomie's passing.
Four weeks after Boomie died, I developed a sore throat and fever. I stayed home from work because I felt horrible. That morning I called C as I had promised him the night before. I started to talk about the upcoming trip and I knew something was very wrong. After some prodding I found out what it was. He told me in a very nonchalant way that he decided not to move here and had found someone else. No only that, but he had been seeing her for awhile. It was like a sledgehammer to the face. In those few moments I saw my whole world disintegrate before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it. We had been friends for almost 3 decades and he asked me to trust him and promised something like this would never happen. There was no remorse in his voice. It was like I was talking to a stranger. I was shattered.
The next thing I remember was finding myself sitting on the edge of a rocky cliff on my beloved mountain with Bella my German Shepherd. I have no recollection of driving there or climbing onto the cliff. I prayed to God for numbness. I felt as if I was in the space where there is an intake of breath before the screaming starts. A space where one is suspended in mid air and everything becomes sharp and clear before the realization there is nothing to hold you up and you begin to fall. Not only was the life I planned with this man gone, but the dream of having a farm together and opening a physical place for Dog Star Energy Center disappeared. Within 5 minutes every dream, hope and plan for the future was taken away. Everything I believed was an illusion. Everything was a lie. I heard myself crying as I started a journey into "the dark night of the soul."
What is the "dark night of the soul?" It is a place where one goes when everything has been taken away. There you meet your demons, your illusions, and your frailties. It is not a place for the faint of heart. I have been there several times before but each time I used the crutches of alcohol, drugs and meaningless sex to ease the pain and dull the sight. Each time I was thrown in, I crawled out tired, drained and angry. I learned nothing in the past except to do whatever it takes to never go there. And here I was again, descending into hell. This time it would be different. This time there were no crutches. This time I would not entertain victim thinking. This time I was determined to find something I had never seen before but knew existed. I was determined to see the face I had before my parents were born. I wanted to know my soul and who I really was, who the Great Spirit made me to be. This time I would not crawl out of this place but walk out with my head held high and my shoulders back. I would confront my demons and see all my illusions.
This was not going to be easy by any means. So how does one get through something like this? How do you pick up a shredded heart and put it back in your chest. How do you pick up the shattered pieces of yourself scattered all over the floor? How do you forgive betrayal? You ask for help. For me, this little act would be a milestone. I was used to doing it all myself, but there was no way I could get through this unaided. I am very lucky because I have had the pleasure of making friends of 8 very strong and like-minded women. I made a few phone calls. These wonderful women put their own battles aside long enough to hold me up while I put the pieces back together.
Nancy held my anger until I was able to let the anger of the betrayal flow through me. Sue held my common sense by telling me over and over that I was human and to give myself time. Jackie was the ever-concerned sounding board. Paulette was my straight forward no nonsense "get a grip" person. Jude brought the angels, Melody flowed a never-ending supply of energy, and Harley understood. They all picked a job and did not quit until I could stand on my own. Last but not least there was Bella the German Shepherd who stood by watching every move I made and did not leave my side.
Bella accompanied me twice daily on the treacherous hike up the northeast side of the mountain. This was a vertical rock strewn path where ATV's had trouble navigating. It was the most physically challenging way up the mountain and I picked it on purpose. There was no room in my brain for anything else but the thought of my next step and if that rock would send me tumbling back down from where I came. My chest hurt and my legs burned. Every time I got to the top, it was a victory. In the mornings we made it to the top and watched the sunrise in the east. One morning it was very foggy and I could not see the usual vista. I heard a voice say, "You may not be able to see it now but it's beautiful out there." I took that sentence to heart. In that place of circling hawks and curious woodchucks I heard the voices of angels, guides and Great Spirit. They showed me where my true connections were and who I really was.
With their help I realized I had been carrying this man's energy for 30 years and it drained me. His betrayal was a gift, the gift of freedom. I forgave him. I have released all of it, cut the energetic cords and have taken back my power. I also threw a party for those strong women (and one dog) in gratitude for all they did.
Bella and I still hike up the northeast mountain trail twice a day, I've shed 30 pounds (a pound for each year I knew him) and now my body does not scream in pain and I navigate the rocks with grace. Bella no longer waits until I catch up as I am right on her heels. We take the easier gravel road down the mountain after each upward trek. On the way down I walk tall, my head is held high and my shoulders are back.
I have seen the face I had before my parents were born and I now know who I am. I am a woman who is connected to the earth, who speaks to animals and hears what they say. I am a woman that holds the healing energy of the Great Spirit. I am a woman that teaches and shares wisdom. I am beautiful because there is nothing more beautiful than a woman bathed in her rightful power. I have walked out of the dark night. I am Vyolet.
